Consentuality
Consent: Compliance with or in approval of what is done or proposed by another
We talk about
consent alot. There is a very good reason for that. The line
between D/s and abuse IS consent. Non-consentual control,
manipulation, application of pain or direction is ABUSE.
However, as in most
things the meaning of consent is far from simple. When a submissive
is new in their exploration of the D/s and BDSM worlds they are
simply virgins. They have no personal experience of many or most of
the things which now confront them. What they do have is ideas,
thoughts, hopes, dreams, feelings, beliefs and desires. These may or
may not apply in reality. A person can 'think' they will enjoy
something only to find that in reality they do not. So we are
immediately faced with a dilemna.
As the community
becomes more open and readily accessible the numbers of new
Dominant's and submissives is rapidly increasing. With this increase
comes an increasing number of problems.
It is impossible to
truthfully consent to something you have never experienced. You can
consent to trying something, but cannot accurately state that you
will enjoy or like it until after it occurs. This means that in some
ways the consent offered is NOT a blanket approval of action. In
many cases it really means that the submissive will 'CONSIDER' trying
something to SEE if they enjoy it. From the Dominant's standpoint
this is treading on shaky ground.
Many new Dominant's
and submissives spend a great deal of time looking for and searching
out someone (frequently on the internet community). Often they find
potential partners who live at some distance from them physically.
This can lead to protracted long distance cyber and phone
relationships. These types of communication can foster the building
up of scenario's, ideas and expectations.
When the two manage
to arrange a meeting they bring with them all of the baggage which
has accumulated from their interaction. Many vacate simple safety
issues in lieu of their 'feeling' of EVERYTHING being perfect. They
are SO eager to jump in that they want to play within hours of a
first meeting. Sometimes they go so far as to pre-scene this meeting
based on the 'ideas' that they have allowed to become 'limits'. It
is not terribly uncommon for a new submissive to agree to a first
meeting which places her in a foreign state, in a motel room, naked,
kneeling and waiting for 'her Master' to show up.
In addition the new
Dominant comes prepared with the 'expectations' of the submissive to
perform this 'scene'. In many cases this may be the very FIRST scene
the Dominant has ever tried and s/he may have or feel extreme
pressure to 'meet the submissives need'. This can be a set-up for
true disaster.
This week the news
was filled with an ongoing court case in NY wherein a woman is suing
a man whom she claims raped her. She made contact with him on the
internet and engaged in extensive correspondence (some of which is
court record), and phone conversations. After 5-6 months they
arranged such a meeting. They engaged 'in-scene' for nearly 20
hours. Afterwards she accused him of rape, rough sex, forcible
sodimy, assault, battery, various kinds of bondage and torture and a
few other things. She agreed that she talked to him about her
interest in BDSM but she claims that she was 'interested in him' and
'played along' because she liked him. She acknowledges voluntarily
meeting him.
This is important.
Early, heavy scening with an unknown person forces ASSUMPTIONS of
consent on BOTH people. A submissive can and may feel pressured to
go quite far in order not to displease their new Dominant. They may
agree to things under duress or contact pressure. A Dominant can and
may feel pressured to perform to the 'ideas' they have fostered
through prior communication. They can be a total novice doing things
they are not really prepared for. It is simply impossible to 'know'
a person you have just met. You cannot know their body language, the
suggestions and subtle signals necessary to truly read someones
responses. This type of pre-scene creation can and does kill people.
It can create situations much like I just described which ARE
becoming much more common.
Many people believe
that 'consent' is a license. That it gives them a blanket permission
to 'DO' what they want to do. This is simply not true. Consent at
the beginning of a relationship is more the 'option' to explore
further. It offers NO guarantee to the Dominant or submissive that
they will be held blameless for what occurs. Those that engage in
sudden intense sceneing WILLFULLY place their reputations, careers,
family, and life ON THE LINE. When you are dealing with a stranger
you CANNOT guess how they will react 3 days after a scene when they
bottom out and YOU are not there. Remorse, pain, regret,
embarassment, shame, anger, feelings of diminished self respect and
outright rage can and will drive people to take actions AGAINST this
person they have 'consented' to scene with.
Those actions can
REVEAL the other persons KINK to their entire community. The person
may lose a spouse, children, job, respectability or more or less
everything including the risk of imprisonment all to meet the needs
of INSTANT GRATIFICATION. It simply is NOT worth it.
Initial limits are
just that...initial. They should be expected to change, evolve and
alter over years and experiences. They are merely a way of offering
an 'idea' of the range of interest that the individual believes they
are interested in pursuing. Consent can best be considered to be
fluid. In addition to the above, it should be noted that everyone is
not the same every day. There are days when consent to the range of
play will be MUCH wider than on other days. These variables can be
effected by mood, health, stress and many other things. Assumptions
that consent is CONSTANT can and will lead to problems.
all rights reserved by Mistress Steel
comments or email SteelBtrfl@aol.com
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