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Abuse in BDSM
By Moonvine
I don't know where you draw the line between abuse and BDSM, but the last
relationship I was in went past it a long time ago, IMHO anyway.
I met a man online around March or so and began to become involved with
him... very quickly... much TOO quickly as it turned out. I met him RT in
May, and did observe the safety precautions, as I always do, but they only
provide for one's physical safety.
I began to see him every weekend at his
home, which was about 700 miles away, at his request. This was a time of
great emotional insecurity and vulnerability for me, as I had lost my job in
February, and my unemployment was running out, and although I was working
part time, I had been unsuccessful in finding full time employment. He took
full advantage of this. He offered to move me to his home in late July,
promised to take care of me, since I had had such a difficult time. I ended
up coming here, getting him out of jail for unpaid child support, giving him
somewhere in between 2-3000 of my money (including a thousand dollar
retirement check about 2 weeks after I got here), hundreds and hundreds of
hours of my time working on his webpages and various businesses, caring for
his child, keeping his house clean, running his errands.
I went out and
worked so the household utilities could be paid, there could be milk in the
house for his child, etc. I rarely if ever saw any of the money, as I gave
it all to him. He had affairs with other women and used MY car to go see
them, as his vehicles were not in operating condition. I trusted this man
implicitly, although numerous people, including his mother, attempted to
warn me about him. I tried and tried to serve and please him, although
NOTHING I did was ever right or "good enough." Everything was always my
fault, or someone else's fault. When he had a temper tantrum and tore up
belongings, it was because I (or someone else) "made" him do it. When he
was cruel to animals, it was because they "made" him angry. When he had
other women, though we were supposedly monogamous, it was because I "made
him crazy."
The first time he moved another woman into the house I went to
the Battered Women's Shelter. He moved her out 4 days later, and we talked,
and supposedly things would be alright... if I just lost weight, learned to
please him more sexually, etc, etc. So I tried. Then he decides we are
just gonna be friends until his businesses get off the ground, because he
doesn't have time for more, and he just doesn't see why I can't stay and
work on his businesses as "they will be half mine one day anyway.". Oddly
enough, he had plenty of time for a 19 year old high school senior. This
time, I stayed, though the situation was by this time making me physically
ill. I lost about 20 pounds in 2-3 weeks due to not being able to keep food
down, could not sleep, had constant headaches, etc. It got so bad that for
the last two days, all I did was cry as he yelled at me constantly.
He
finally ended up threatening to slit my throat and dispose of my body where
no one would ever find it, then putting me out on the street at 1 am,
keeping the majority of my paycheck which had been direct deposited into his
account the previous day. He refused to pay the phone bill, so now if I am
ever in a position to have a telephone again, I have to pay a hefty phone
bill plus a deposit. He paid for my storage unit (With *MY* money) with a
hot check, so I am now locked out of my storage unit. He had the police bar
me from his home, and every time I go back to beg for some of my
possessions, I have to have a police escort. I eventually filed a DVO
(Domestic Violence Order) and am pursing legal action through the courts
(not, mind you, for physical abuse, but for mental, emotional, and financial
abuse).
Why am I telling you all this? To warn others. This man has done this to
at least five other women I am aware of, which means it's likely the tip of
the iceberg. Worse, he routinely preys on and victimizes BBWS.
Be very very careful of quick involvement, and even more leary of financial
control. Get references, and FOLLOW UP ON THEM. If numerous people try to
warn you about a person, at least consider that they might be telling the
truth.
I don't know what love is anymore, and I sure as heck don't know what
submission is, but I know it doesn't hurt this bad.
Moonvine
New Mexico
(Sthrngypsy on AIM)
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